Opening

by modestinus

In the best of circumstances, the Orthodox Church, as it subsists in North America, is at a crossroads; but the reality may, by an order of magnitude, be much dimmer. Despite the musings of a vocal minority that this, the eighth century in which the Christian religion has, in some form, been present on this continent will be an “Orthodox Century,” the loose and often quarreling jurisdictions which comprise this ancient iteration of Christianity show no evidence of returning to the numbers they enjoyed only a few decades ago. The surge of Protestants and cultists that helped bolster the ranks of the Antiochian Archdiocese and the Orthodox Church in America (OCA) respectively is unlikely to be replicated. Conversions continue, but they are hardly noticed. Those few Orthodox who pay attention to such things and have, bravely, opted to forego the implausible expectations of the aforementioned vocal minority are quick to drop down into several banal “defenses” of this phenomenon, ranging from “numbers don’t matter” to some less cliché-sounding admonition that it’s “always darkest before the dawn.” A more courageous response runs something like this: The afflictions which currently beset Orthodoxy, including its inability to meaningfully draw in converts and retain cradles, is evidence that it must be doing something right or, stronger put, that Orthodoxy is the “only Holy, Catholic, and Apostolic Church.” For if Orthodoxy “had it easy” like, say, mainline Evangelicalism, then it would be clear that Orthodoxy wasn’t the Church, that is, that it wasn’t living up to its “Apostolic Mandate.” This sort of “cultish” Orthodoxy has some base appeal, at least insofar as it pulls at the same sensitivities which draws people to become Straightedge in their teen years and members of the Green Party in their 20s. It’s the “counter culture” element, superficial and transient though it may be, which probably accounts for why you can find more than a few folks who equate being “Orthodox” with dressing like a 19th C. Eastern European peasant before Sunday Liturgy and failing to brush their teeth to boot.

You can’t tell Orthodox this stuff, of course. If you do, you’re being “uncharitable” or “trading in stereotypes.” However, because of a Crusade which was conducted without Papal approval 800 years ago, every Orthodox in the planet, including those who joined up last Pascha after spending their formative years singing “Shine Jesus Shine,” can denigrate 1.1 billion Catholics as heretics. Moreover, they are also entitled to tell you, by way of referencing figures, ideas, and events which sprang into history over a millennium ago, that Orthodoxy embodies everything from a “universal vision” of Christianity to an “authentic Christian humanism” predicated on a “true understanding” of Classical culture and the Gospel. In other words, because some monk in the deserts of the Middle East read Plato 1,500 years ago, it is absolutely incorrect to speak of those monks who inhabit famous mountains in Greece as superstitious and ignorant. Such absurd examples are not in short supply, nor do they originate in only the stupidest, most embarrassing, sectors of Orthodoxy in the way “New Earth Creationism” and “God Hates Fags” emanates from the stupidest, most embarrassing, sectors of American Protestantism. In fact, the more learned an Orthodox Christian is, the more likely he is able to reach back through 2,000 years of history to find idiosyncratic incidences and long-dead trends which can be brought forth to “prove” that the Orthodox Church does not, on a wide scale, suffer from maladies ranging from ethnic insularity to nationalistic enchantment to quasi-Gnostic spirituality.

Some Orthodox might respond at this point by identifying similar problems which afflict Catholicism, but so what? Catholicism comes packaged with problems the Orthodox haven’t even heard of. The difference is that no Catholic living anywhere in the world can deny this while Orthodox, particularly in America, can retreat into blissful ignorance, foolish fabrications, or some admixture of the two. Granted, so-called “cradle Orthodox,” those who have grown up in their confession and still clung to it despite the evident problems (many of which, I admit, I haven’t even named), aren’t blind, but their voices are rarely raised or listened to. Cradles, as a certain popular tale goes, are mostly “like Catholics” in the sense that they are apparently apathetic and lazy when it comes to their religion; they don’t eat saw dust during Lent, thus they are not as righteous as the convert bloated on boca burgers. And those cradles which do take their confessional commitments seriously are, in the main, “ethnocentric.” Because they want their services in Greek or Church Slavonic, they’re not “truly Orthodox”; rather, they want “museum Orthodoxy” rather than the “Evangelical Orthodoxy” espoused by some. Because “cradle Orthodox” have “cradle parishes” they can ignore (and be ignored/despised by) the “other realm” of American Orthodoxy, that is, the one inhabited by people who write and read web-logs (or, absent that, listen to Ancient Faith Radio, purchase Conciliar Press titles, and still read C.S. Lewis).

Who wouldn’t want to be a part of all of that? Well, a lot of people actually. And this is one of the great tragedies of the American Orthodox confederacy: Its collective inability to understand why a vast swathe of American Christians who, despite holding to the same modern sensibilities as those in the Orthodox Church (regardless of what they might say), don’t want anything to do with the magic and mystery that they are selling. This is perhaps why Orthodox or, at least, those who troll on web-logs, grow offended at the idea that people might enter Orthodoxy expecting ‘A’ and flee for their lives after being pummeled with ‘B’ thru ‘Z.’ What rings strange is that these Orthodox care at all. Don’t they have some prostrations to do? Isn’t there another fast just around the corner for them to prepare to fail in spirit (if not in letter)? Goodness, a loosey-goosey Catholic can clear through the Liturgy of the Hours in under 90 minutes a day; it takes at least three times as long to get through the Horologion. So where do they find all of this time to get outraged? It’s as if that Athonite peace and Russian holiness they’re always going on about hasn’t penetrated their souls, illumined their minds, and caused them to levitate and see God. But if none of that is happening, one wonders why they’re even Orthodox. The Catholic route seems so much more sensible: Avoid Hell and limit one’s time in Purgatory; after that, Jesus awaits.

Someone I once corresponded with had more than a few humorous (and mildly irreverent) remarks on Catholic/Orthodox phenomena, the most powerful of which was that Orthodox or, more accurately, a certain brand of Orthodox (“vocal minority”) simply cannot comprehend why someone would want a grown-up religion like Catholicism. Because at some point you have to stop playing pretend. I would extend that view to Protestantism as well; for despite my deeply held belief that Protestantism represents an aberration from the core truths of the Christian Faith, there’s very little of it which demands childlike ignorance. Protestants fabricate boldly and without compunction. That’s a very adult thing to do. And even those few Protestants (like the Anglo-Catholics) who try to get back in touch with their Apostolic/Patristic roots are aware that they are reverse engineering; but they believe the end more than justifies the means.

At first blush this may come across as a strange, even deeply confused, way to “launch” a blog. I disagree. A backhand over the bar to those who want to belly up uninvited strikes me as an entirely prudent method of redirection. There are whorehouses across the street for getting one’s jollies; this is a family establishment.